So I stopped drinking for just over three weeks. Which doesn’t actually sound like that much but I guess it felt like a long time. It was, for the most part, super easy. Contrary to what I anticipated, I didn’t find it hard at all in social situations and have been out to the pub and socialising with folk a bunch of times. As I did perhaps expect though, the only hard bit was the fact that I’m used to using alcohol as a crutch when I’m feeling depressed/anxious/whatever. So I guess I’ve been trying to find new ways of dealing with those feelings, I dunno how successfully. I guess the reason I’m drinking tonight is because I feel… well, I’m not sure. Really bad. I was going to do a long post about what I see as the interconnectedness of substance/OCD/self-harm coping mechanisms but I think a sufficient number of people I know IRL follow my blog that it’d be weird. Lol. But yeah, basically right now I feel like the negative aspects of drinking are outweighed by the negative aspects of not drinking at the moment. I’m pretty acutely aware that I’m totally crutching but I dgaf cos sometimes that is okay and fuck any noise that says otherwise.

But yeah, the whole not-drinking thing has been a lot easier than I anticipated, which possibly strengthens my critique of drinking culture. But I guess it’s also strengthened my feelings (which have intensified lately due to me mellowing out in my old age har har) that some things do really need to come from within and from a positive place otherwise they don’t really work. Recently I was talking with a friend who said that at one point they’d told themself that they were only going to drink from a happy place e.g. out having a good time with friends, celebrating and so on. At the time I thought that sounded pretty good, but thinking about it now I may be leaning in the opposite direction - I didn’t/don’t miss drinking in social situations at all really and resent the idea that alcohol is the best way to have fun, but on nights like tonight when I feel really, really, really not-okay I guess drinking seems like the best option. And I think that’s okay.